How My Big Life Change Began

If I really look back into my past, I can see that my current journey began when I was a teenager. Since then, I have been distracted from my path and purpose most of the time. And when I was off track, I always felt a need to find myself; so most of my life I have been seeking something which felt out of reach or unknowable.

This past winter was a turning point for me as I gained clarity on a number of issues.

I found myself living alone, not enjoying my life much and looking into the future, I couldn't see how it was going to change.  The prospect of spending the rest of my life in that rut was depressing and I was depressed.

But, I figured that I was depressed because something wasn't right in my life so I gave myself until March 21st to process whatever needed processing and I committed to having a solution by then.  For quite a while nothing seemed to be moving or changing and then one day (about the middle of March) I realized I could sell my rental houses (which had been my retirement plan) and still have a retirement plan.  That lifted a great burden off my shoulders - I hadn't realized how much they had been dragging me down.

That little bit of new found freedom created the space for some new thinking.  I went to Staples and bought some flip chart paper - I felt like I needed BIG paper to express myself.  For some reason, I now had clarity about what I wanted - clarity that had evaded me my whole life.  I wrote down my desires, all my options, what I wanted in relationships and short and long term goals.  This all poured out of me in a few hours and I posted these big pages all over the walls of my dining room so I could see them everyday.

Here are some of the realizations that came to me:

1.  I had made a home with the idea and the wish that the girls would come home to visit; that we'd have special times together there.  But, they weren't coming to visit very often and I could see that it would be even less in the future as their plans unfolded.  So why was I hanging on to that expectation?

2.  Having all the things that make up a household and a home is only meaningful if you have someone to share them with.  If people don't gather around your table to talk or share a meal together, what is the point of having a table at all? All my stuff started feeling very heavy.

3.  In order to support the life I was living, I was going to have to get a job.  Why would I get a job I didn't want to support a life I didn't want?

4.  I love to design and build things.  And, I love to work collaboratively with others to build things.  None of this was happening in my life and was not likely to.  Why not go to where people are building things and help.

5.  I would love to have my own little property with a permaculture food forest and an off-grid house.  The reality is that I don't have enough money, knowledge, skill, or energy to do this by myself and I don't want to be alone anyway,  so why not go someplace where people are already doing that?

6.  I want a partner to share my life with but I was clear that in my present state of mind and lifestyle, I was not going to be able to find or attract the kind of guy I'm interested in.  Why not go build eco-friendly projects and live with people who are doing that and maybe I'll meet someone like-minded?

7.  Without the burden of a lot of stuff and the cost of rent, utilities, cars, etc, etc, I found I could live very inexpensively.
 
8.  Perhaps most importantly, I realized I had been living with one foot in one world-view and the other foot in a different world-view.  On the one foot, I was responding to the world of scarcity, competition, fear and separation - the rental properties were an attempt to "win" in that world.  The other foot was engaged in the world of oneness, connectedness, abundance, and love.  The two views are mutually exclusive and it is impossible to commit to both at the same time.  It was crazy making!  As soon as I realized the dilemma I was creating, the choice was easy.  I choose oneness, connectedness, abundance and love.

Well, you get the picture.  I took a look at every aspect of my life and realized there wasn't much I wanted to keep so I started making changes.

1.  Within 2 weeks, I had listed and sold both of my properties with possession dates near April 30.
2.  I gave notice to my landlord for the end of April.
3.  I was committed to getting rid of most of my stuff.  I would keep only what would fit in a 5x12 storage unit and what I needed in my motorhome.
4.  The incoming renter for the place I was living had nothing and agreed to buy all my furniture and any household effects I didn't want.  We settled on a package price and that was a win for both of us.
5.  I decided to spend the next year being of service and exchanging my time and energy for room and board.  First stop, my sister's farm in Fort St. James, BC.  In the fall I will go to Morocco or South America where the type of projects I want are happening.

I know I am making the right decision because things fell into place so easily and I feel happy and energized.

I have been surprised at the response I have received from people.  All but 1 or 2 people have been very supportive.  Many people have said they wish they could do the same thing.  Several people have remarked on my courage and that has been interesting to reflect on.  I don't feel courageous because I'm doing what feels right and there is no fear to overcome.

Cayly and Keenan have both been very supportive and have said they are proud of me.  It means a lot to have their support.

I will end this very long blog post now.  From here on, you will be hearing about my adventures in a life of gifting/serving/contributing.  I know I will be challenged because it takes time to completely shed an old way of life so there will be stories about that too.

Cayly helped me fix the problem with subscribing to my blog.  If you sign up to Follow me by Email, you will be notified when I post a new article.  I look forward to your comments.

With Love & Light
Anaya